14 Actual Announcements Made By Real Flight Attendants

Let’s be honest. For most of us, flying is one of those chores that’s somehow both boring and stressful at the same time. Not only do we have to deal with the stress of getting packed and ready to leave for the airport (which can be very early in the morning), but we have to deal with traffic and extended security and check-in lines. Oh, and if we’re really “lucky,” we have to deal with delayed or canceled flights. All this is before they cram us in like sardines onto a flying metal tube with very uncomfortable seats. However, the most miserable folks of this experience are usually the airline employees who have to deal with hundreds of grumpy customers all day. But, there are times when you can find folks who know just how to turn things around and put a smile on their customer’s faces. These are 14 real announcements made by flight attendants with a great sense of humor.

1. “To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

2. “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

3. “Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.”

4. “Thank you for flying on our airline. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

5. “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, we’re sure as hell everything has shifted.”

6. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before

assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

7. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you”

8. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

9. “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

10. “United Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight.”

11. “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to your destination. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate.”

12. “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

13. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is outside on the wing. If you can light ’em, you can smoke ‘ern.”

14. “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of United Airlines.”

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