This Rude Woman Beside Him On The Plane Wouldn’t Let Him Pass Through

Most people these days dread flying. First, there’s the traffic. It feels like everyone in the city wants to fly exactly when you do. Then there are the lines. First, you have to wait to check your luggage, then wait to go through security, then wait to get food, then wait to get to the plane. And that’s if everything goes smoothly and you don’t have any delays or cancellations. So once we’ve finally settled into our seats,  most of us expect a great deal of our stress to be behind us. Unfortunately, there are times when our fellow passengers can contribute to our stressful day. This is a joke about a man who experiences such a person and the karmic consequences of not being more considerate.

This story dates from last June. I was headed to San Diego for a conference. The night before, I went out for some drinks with a coworker who would also be there. A few drinks turned into us pretty much closing down the bar. When I woke up at 6:30 later that morning, I actually felt great – I figured I must have drunk my way through the hangover!

This was, of course, a very stupid thought, and as the morning dragged on through getting to the airport, getting through security, and waiting at the gate, my head decided I am an idiot and deserve to be punished. It was not wrong. I made my way through the plane to my row, where I was to be seated in the window (a personal preference). As I approached my row, I saw a woman sitting in the middle seat, with her belongings on my seat.

I politely said that it was my seat and waited for her to move them. She let out an overly-large sigh, then laboriously moved her things onto her lap. She then sat there. And sat. I asked her if she would mind letting me by, and she said the oddest thing:

‘Go over me.’

Now at first, I assumed that this was my fault. I assumed that in my awful, terrible hangover, I had forgotten how people board cramped seats and that I was wrong for assuming she would and should get up to let me in. But then I remembered, I’m an idiot. So I assumed she had some sort of physical disability which made standing and sitting difficult or painful for her, and rather than embarrass her I did as she requested, I went over her.

Shortly before takeoff, she stood up and hollered at her husband, who was in the back of the plane with their two children:

‘I don’t know why you couldn’t get us seats together! Honestly, this is absurd, why didn’t you?!’

Lady, I got an idea why.

I didn’t really care about her constantly reshuffling things or her armrest-hogging. It did bum me out when her daughter came up to our row with a cheese and cracker platter and asked her mom if she wanted some and the lady simply said ‘No.’ Eventually, I was able to fall asleep.

For those who don’t drink, there is a phenomenon called the beer s**ts. After a night of heavy drinking, you will often have a large amount of gas (and other things which go along with it) the next day.

About halfway throughout the flight, I felt this coming on, and I decided I had no choice but to go. I asked her if I could please get out. The gentleman in the aisle seat immediately got out, but she again said:

‘Go over me.’

Now by this point, I was pretty irritable. I had an awful headache, my stomach was doing somersaults, and I was about to blow an O-ring, and this miserable woman wanted me to go over her? On a moving plane? Fine, I would. I swung my right leg over her, then put my ass over her face, nearly touching. A slight tremble in the flight and I released a full-on, seemingly never-ending fart, a cloud of noxious gas which should have had me arrested for war crimes. I let the whole thing go. Afterward, I turned, made full eye contact, and said ‘Sorry. Turbulence.’ Everyone around me was fully and truly disgusted, and to them, I am still so sorry, but I did what I did for the greater good.

When I got back from the bathroom, she got up to let me in.”

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